Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Ode to Erin Burnett

During the sad saga of Flight 370, I have watched what feels like a true cast of characters play out their roles on CNN.

That dramatis personae has included the bushy-moustached Les Abend, Miles O'Brien, who returned to the network after losing half his arm (talk about a tough guy), Mary Schiavo of the ever-changing hair, and there was Jim Tilmon, a man I remember from his days as a meteorologist in Chicago...and from that day in 1979 where he explained with a model plane how a DC-10 managed to crash at O'Hare.

But none of them can hold a candle to Erin Burnett.

What is it about you, Erin, you news anchor goddess?  As the Bard said, "let me count the ways."

First of all, let's face it.  You're hot.  Just plain hot.

You're also top-notch journalist.  To paraphrase Don Henley, "you can tell me about the plane crash with a gleam in your eye."

But I'm not kidding myself.  You're way out of my league.  You're younger than I am, far more successful than I am, and in an entirely different tax bracket.  I might as well be on Mars.  What could someone like me ever offer you?  Well I think, no...I know...I have an answer.

As Batman had Alfred, as OJ had Kato Kaelin, and as Walter Cronkite had whoever he had, I'll be your "man who does."  Your "Jonny Friday."

I'll clean the house, wash the windows, shop for groceries (I am rather thrifty with my eye for sales), and walk the dogs.  That is if you have dogs.  If there are other mammals involved I may need training.

I could build you a fort in one of your backyard trees.  You could go in there and hide while I play interference with the home office  "No, I don't know where she is.  Hang up, Wolf.  You're drunk."

I will sit and listen to you talk about your day after I've poured you a glass (or two) of wine.  You can bounce story ideas off me and I'll always say, "that's brilliant, Erin!" I'll laugh at all your jokes.  I'll listen to you vent about your workplace.

You: "That Anderson Cooper is such a whiny bitch!"
Me: "I know, Erin.  I know."

What else can I bring to the deal?  Well, you might learn things such as all the lines to Blade Runner, all the lyrics to songs by Duran Duran and U2, and how to manage a man's inordinate comic book collection.  Who knows?  Once in a while you might even learn an interesting tidbit you could toss out on your show..all by watching TV with me.  "You know, it's a little known fact that another word for an English dandy is coxcomb.  No, it's true and yes I just called Felix that.  Now back to Odd Couple: In Theory."

So think about it, girlfriend.  You know where to find me.

Oh and I know you're married. I am too.

That's not a problem, is it?

Follow me on Twitter: @Jntweets

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