It is said that ignorance is bliss.
Well then I need to thank Fox News for keeping me in ignorance.
I was unaware of the threat. Completely ignorant. It snaked and coiled its way through our culture and even our political discourse, just waiting to snap my manhood from my person. That is, until Fox News rode in to the rescue while I remained precariously unawares.
"You need to watch out for Frozen!" the defenders of journalistic integrity cried to all who would heed last month.
"Tell me about it," I replied like a clueless dolt. "It's really turning cold out. So much for that namby-pamby Global Warming hoax."
"No! Frozen!" they repeated.
That's right. The Disney film about a young girl fighting alongside a reindeer and a snowman to save a realm from eternal winter. As is all too often the case, evil has come a callin' in a cute, fluffy disguise, all the while just waiting for the opportunity to slice off my genitalia and put me in a muumuu. Well that won't get past the keen senses of Steve
Geez, neither one of those things sounds too good. You mean this so-called "Frozen effect" might make me start stumbling around the kitchen like an oaf while spending inordinate and uncomfortable amounts of time with snowmen? Say it ain't so, Steve. Alas, Doocey set me straight. And he didn't need any amount of variorum to paint my little red wagon. No, he just needed one solid expert to come on his show and preach it like it is.
Her name was Penny Young Nance, a concerned American woman who is president and CEO of Concerned Women for America. Let me tell you something, Mr. and Mrs. America: she is concerned.
“Hollywood in general has often sent the message that men are superfluous, that they're stupid, that they're in the way, and if they contribute anything to a family, it's a paycheck," she said. “Men are essential in our society. We want to raise real men. We want to encourage masculinity and not villain-ize masculinity.”
Heyyyyy. Wait a minute. So let me get this straight. The more empowered female characters are in popular culture, the less value and status I have as a man? Oh that's not good. That's not good at all. Especially when this comes as but a mere harbinger to an all-but-certain 2016 presidential run by Hillary Clinton. Why it was but a mere, measly month ago that Ross K. Baker, a Political Scientist at Rutgers University wrote that strong women like Clinton and Nancy Pelosi are scaring all the good male candidates out of the Democratic Party.
Is everybody (besides Fox and Doocey, that is) going to just take this sitting down while the feminist agenda builds a genuine Frozen igloo around our manhood? Does nobody else remember how the election of Barack Obama lessened the status of every white man in the good ol' U.S. of A.? Now this? Adding insult to injury, even our delightful, toss-away, insipid entertainment comes laced with this evil agenda. It's all a slippery slope and I want to know where it ends. I have a hunch it's nowhere that a "real American man" would to be.
Thankful as I am for Fox News keeping my unwary rear safe from emasculation (oh and by the way, I should also send a special shout out to the GOP for keeping me safe by almost shutting down the Department of Homeland Security), I am nevertheless left bereft. Doocey and his crew never told me how to keep myself safe from here on out. I mean, it's all about "personal responsibility," right GOPpers? I can't count on Sooper Doocey to be there every time a liberal, "feminazi" Disney ice harpy tries to rip away my gonads. What to do?
Maybe I need to gorge on manly, emulation-worthy role models such as Tony Stark in Iron Man. He's a boozer, he's a ladies man, and he's got a kickass suit of superhero armor. Wait, he built that armor himself with advanced technology. That takes fancy book learnin' and I just don't see that squaring well with Fox News.
Guess I'm left with old VHS tapes of Vince Lombardi speeches a few dog-eared copies of Penthouse.
Sigh. Help me, Steve Doocey. You're my only hope.
I mean that in the most manly way possible.
Follow me on Twitter: @Jntweets