The Jake Timber Manifesto

Note: the above pulp magazine cover is not Jake Timber. He did, however, select the depiction as indicative of all he stands for.

Like many others who have lived in shacks amid rural areas, Jake Timber has written a manifesto.

In the (dubious) honor of this being the eve of the publication of his first book, I have poured said manifesto into a somewhat cogent form for your perusal. Once more, I post this under duress and it is not my fault. So enter, if you dare, the mind of Jake Timber:

The Way I Feel
by Jake Timber

-GOD. You will get NOWHERE in this world without a belief in God. How small your mind must be if it cannot include the idea of an invisible man in the sky who loves you and demands you go to a designated building to talk to him. I don't care if your life is a steaming pile of sheep dip, you go thank Him for it. Get with it, will you?

-Class. The heart of America is the white, working class man. Yet he's the one who is always oppressed and downright downtrodden. Yeah, yeah everyone is all about "no more racism" and "no more anti-feminism," but what about the straight, white, Christian man? I'll tell you what. Nothing. He gets nothing but blame for everything. Kids, I hate to break it to you but the real discrimination going on in this country is by class. And it's being done by elitists with letters behind their names.

-Political correctness. It's killing us. Pure, plain, and simple. People are so hyper-sensitive these days about what other people get called. Ask your average black guy or Mexican guy and they'll say they don't care. So who does care? Social justice warriors, that's who. They got no skin in the game but they obviously just need something to do so they wants to police what we say and how we think. That's a slippery slope, kids. I've seen that future. It ain't pretty.

And most of these SJW types don't really believe what they say. They're just out to score points for themselves.

-Rural America. It's natural, it's wholesome, and it's all about values. I love the smell of manure in the morning. Smells like 'Murica. Chances are, if a land has farmer fields growing crop, has country songs playing from its radios, and big ol' flags of the U. S. of A. a flyin', then it's what I call "real America." Yeah sure, you'll see a Klan rally every now and then, but that doesn't speak for everybody. Cities have way too many people and way too many college types. You can't trust them. Besides, I've seen the future. When things start to really hit the fan, you don't want to be in those cities. Get out and get into NATURE.

-Don't hate America because we got faults. Sure, there were slaves, we killed a whole lotta Indians, and we propped up a dictator every now and then because we had to, but look at all the positives. I can think of at least a hundred right off the top of my head. 

For example, our National Park system is the envy of the world,

-While you're at it, stop thinking socialism is all that great and start looking at its bad points. Sure you get health care, education, guaranteed minimum income, blah blah blah. But think of the TAXES! Ever tried buying a new set of snow tires while your paycheck has a 50% tax cut? GOOD LUCK.

-On a related note, stand up for the Special Song. ALWAYS.

-Two and a Half Men. Like I said, I'm from the future. Do you want to know the exact point when America started to slide down the stink hole? It was when Charlie Sheen was forced to leave Two and a Half Men. On that dark day, we really turned away from Jesus.

-More Trump. That is all.

-The Dallas Cowboys are America's team. Period. And them cheerleaders are nice too.

-Puppies. I like 'em.

-Never, ever, under any circumstance, underestimate what you can do with beef jerky.

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