Dear Members of the Belfast City Council,
You have fallen on melancholy times, it seems. There is so much
bad-mouthing going about regarding your fair city, what with all of the
emails, blog posts, and meretricious Facebook pages denouncing you as murderers. There have been calls for natural disasters to smite you from the Emerald Isle, whether by meteor, storm, or another Snow Patrol concert. You've even been called, “worst city in the world.” That's simply untrue. Perhaps solidly in the top five, but definitely not the worst.
And the reason for this is an action you found yourselves forced to
take over a ferocious and deadly beast named Lennox. A pit bull. A breed
of dog so notorious, so heinous, so malevolent in nature that its
lineage can likely be traced back to copulation between Satan and
Margaret Thatcher (which I am given to understand that in certain circles of Belfast, those
two entities are believed one in the same. So
this theory might have its basis on shaky ground.) You did what you had
to do. Indeed, someone had to think of the children, didn’t they?
So let the tawpies mewl over what is basically fait accompli. Yet I
ask you, my valiant friends across the water, is there not yet another
threat and menace in your midst?
Ladies and gentlemen of the
BCC, I submit for your review the hamster. Yes yes, they’re tiny,
they’re cute, they run around inside plastic wheels. I assure you,
however, one need only to look into their steely, black eyes to see the
danger that lurks. What diabolical plans might they be harboring?
Perhaps they are getting organized against us? Worse yet, what if they are getting weaponized?
It’s nothing I can prove,
but the dark rumor mill of the Internet has said that a family in
Newtownabbey noticed their hamster acting strangely. It would
spend hours watching CNN and talking online to someone named “Ahmed.”
Suspicious, they rose to confront it. By that time, the furry thing was
gone, fled to parts unknown. In its cage was found a stack of
counterfeit pounds and detailed plans of your city hall with red marks
upon it saying, “Bomb goes here.” Now I ask you, has Belfast not had
enough car bombs for one century?” Please act to stop this hamster
menace before they gain more hamster followers or whatever else may be
Oh Christ on a bicycle, that’s another thought.
Rabbits. What if the hamsters begin to coordinate with the rabbits? You know
what those things are like. Why, they could breed an entire army within
the span of a weekend. Oh sure, those namby pamby bleeding hearts might call this "species profiling." I call it what it is: good citizenship. The very same civic spirit that has saved Belfast from Lennox...or as he might properly be known in your city, Cerberus himself.
So I urge you. You’ve taken the first step, now complete your sanguinary
journey of justice. Act now to broaden your scythe of vengeance to
animal threats beyond just pit bulls before it is too late. Take a page from America's book. When we heard of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, did we just sit around waiting for Saddam Hussein to float a nuke over here on a boat and torch our Kardashians but good? Hell no. We took action! Sure, there turned out not to be anything even remotely resembling WMDs over there but it wasn't for our lack of trying and a good time was had by all. Take a hint...and then end these threats permanently. In
the words of sage philosopher Wilford Brimley, "It's the right thing to
do and the right time to do it!" And he's an actor, y'know.
Stout hearts and stay classy, Belfast.
And I leave you with the musical stylings of Bette Midler live from Blackpool UK...
My e-novella Hound of Winter is now available for just 99 cents.
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