Friday, July 13, 2012

For Lennox...

Dear Members of the Belfast City Council,

What up.

You have fallen on melancholy times, it seems. There is so much bad-mouthing going about regarding your fair city, what with all of the emails, blog posts, and meretricious Facebook pages denouncing you as murderers. There have been calls for natural disasters to smite you from the Emerald Isle, whether by meteor, storm, or another Snow Patrol concert.  You've even been called, “worst city in the world.”  That's simply untrue.  Perhaps solidly in the top five, but definitely not the worst.

And the reason for this is an action you found yourselves forced to take over a ferocious and deadly beast named Lennox. A pit bull. A breed of dog so notorious, so heinous, so malevolent in nature that its lineage can likely be traced back to copulation between Satan and Margaret Thatcher (which I am given to understand that in certain circles of Belfast, those two entities are believed one in the same. So this theory might have its basis on shaky ground.) You did what you had to do. Indeed, someone had to think of the children, didn’t they? 
So let the tawpies mewl over what is basically fait accompli.  Yet I ask you, my valiant friends across the water, is there not yet another threat and menace in your midst?

Ladies and gentlemen of the BCC, I submit for your review the hamster. Yes yes, they’re tiny, they’re cute, they run around inside plastic wheels. I assure you, however, one need only to look into their steely, black eyes to see the danger that lurks. What diabolical plans might they be harboring? Perhaps they are getting organized against us? Worse yet, what if they are getting weaponized? 
It’s nothing I can prove, but the dark rumor mill of the Internet has said that a family in Newtownabbey noticed their hamster acting strangely.  It would spend hours watching CNN and talking online to someone named “Ahmed.” Suspicious, they rose to confront it. By that time, the furry thing was gone, fled to parts unknown. In its cage was found a stack of counterfeit pounds and detailed plans of your city hall with red marks upon it saying, “Bomb goes here.” Now I ask you, has Belfast not had enough car bombs for one century?” Please act to stop this hamster menace before they gain more hamster followers or whatever else may be out there.

Oh Christ on a bicycle, that’s another thought. Rabbits. What if the hamsters begin to coordinate with the rabbits? You know what those things are like. Why, they could breed an entire army within the span of a weekend.  Oh sure, those namby pamby bleeding hearts might call this "species profiling." I call it what it is: good citizenship.  The very same civic spirit that has saved Belfast from Lennox...or as he might properly be known in your city, Cerberus himself.

So I urge you. You’ve taken the first step, now complete your sanguinary journey of justice. Act now to broaden your scythe of vengeance to animal threats beyond just pit bulls before it is too late. Take a page from America's book.  When we heard of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, did we just sit around waiting for Saddam Hussein to float a nuke over here on a boat and torch our Kardashians but good?  Hell no.  We took action!  Sure, there turned out not to be anything even remotely resembling WMDs over there but it wasn't for our lack of trying and a good time was had by all.  Take a hint...and then end these threats permanently.   In the words of sage philosopher Wilford Brimley, "It's the right thing to do and the right time to do it!"  And he's an actor, y'know.
Stout hearts and stay classy, Belfast.

Your buddy,
And I leave you with the musical stylings of Bette Midler live from Blackpool UK...

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