Friday, September 9, 2011

Guest blogger Kip Haggis on Aging


Hola everybody!  Kip Haggis here, rappin' at ya LIVE.
You know what BURNS me?  Wasted potential!  You mix that with a couple two, tree shots of wishy-washiness, shake and serve, you got a real winner...I mean LOSER.  
It's Nichols, y'see.  The guy really had potential to be somebody.  HAD.  Instead, he works in the same damn place this whole damn time, going to COLLEGE in the evening, never once being decisive about where he's goin' and what he's doin'.  Never GOT OUT THERE and made things HAPPEN!  Never give it all, risked it all to be IMPACTFUL!

It's like these plantar warts he's got?  On his feet?  He goes to THREE different doctors, traveling around all over the place, wasting money to do it, and what do they tell him?  Them ugly ass things will eventually go away on their own.  What a waste of time!  Letting other people make decisions for you?

Well you learn a few things working at the BBQ Shack, things Nichols still hasn't figured out at his age.  If you're unsuccessful or if you're poor, then it's because you just haven't worked hard enough.  So it's your OWN damn fault!  It's like Deepak Chopra says: "Focus on the quality of life. Add life to your years and then years will be added to your life."

So anyways, Nichols is all up in a bunch because he turns a year older on Monday and he's no where near accomplished the things he wants to.  Again, like Jimmy Buffet says, it's his "OWN damn fault," but I'll be a nice friend and advise him.  Why?  Because I care.  I care so much that I want to tell him EXACTLY what he should do.
It's easy, I tells him.  It all comes down this.  And I show him the Book, man.

"That's the Bible, Kip," Mr. College Boy says.

I know that, dumbass.  But it's the foundation of every decision you ever need to make.  Watch, I tells him.  I close my eyes, I flip the pages a bit, and then my fingers land on it:

"After a hundred and fifty days the waters subsided and the ark rested on the mountains of Ararat."
See?  There you go.

"I don't get it," he says.

HELLO McFly! (Ya like that?  It's from Back to the Future!)  God is talking to YOU!  He's tellin' ya EXACTLY what to do!  Build a boat, get out on Lake Michigan, and then He's gonna raise you up on a mountain.  Easy peasy.  Like Jimmy Buffet says, "Listen to the many tales of life upon the sea."  And you know what Nichols says then?

"It doesn't make much sense to me, flipping pages in a book until you randomly come to a page and then do what it says on it."

It DOES if you're getting it from God!  To prove little pee pants wrong once more, I flip the holy pages and again I find the answer:

"They made light of it, and went off, one to his farm and the other to his business."
Man!  This stuff works like MAGIC!

"I still don't get it."

Listen, dumbass!  It's not just God talking to you now, it's JESUS!  The guy with the big red sash!  Look!  Right from the New Testament.

"So what's He telling me to do?"

Go to work in BUSINESS!  Not this college boy shit you've wasted your life with!  

"Well, I don't think that's really what the parable was..."

I mean, come on!  Who would waste their time with college these days?  And Nichols, man, he's spent a total of NINE YEARS in it!  Dave Sim and Gerhard never went to college!  Bobcat Goldthwait never went to college!  The way of America is BUSINESS!  Good luck, trying anything else.  Besides, what you do don't really define who you are.

You see, I'm a philosopher.  I see the world as a whole.  And man, American man, I mean, is set by God as dominant over all.  Something that wanky Nichols and his animal rights beliefs will never understand.  It's like Ann Coulter says, "The ethic of conservation is the explicit abnegation of man's dominion over the Earth. The lower species are here for our use."  Not too sure what some of those words mean, but I like it!  We should hang it up in the BBQ Shack.  It's really sad to see, Nichols and animals.  If we let things go his way, we'll have a REAL Planet of the Apes on our hands, apes corraling us all up as savage salves before we know it.  Eat 'em all, I say!

So obviously he doesn't get the Bible. What about football?  I know he watches it.  He could stand to learn something from my WORLD CHAMPION TEAM the Green Bay Packers!  Yeah, they beat the crap out of the Saints last night!  Yes!  That's because they make decisions!  They ACT!  They EXECUTE!  They dominate PHYSICALLY, they dominate MENTALLY, giving 110% each play and expecting 110% given.

Geez...

Does Nichols even UNDERSTAND any of that?

Yeah, like Ferris Beuller says, "Life moves pretty fast.  If you stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it."   Looks like Nichols has already missed his.


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