A full 24 hours later, I can finally muster the gumption to tell my tale.
So there I was...leaving the academic building after 15 hours on campus (or 12 or whatever it was. At any rate, a long-ass day.) That's when I saw the UFO hovering in front of me. The craft was classic saucer shape, I would estimate it to be roughly half a city block in size. I snapped a shot of it with my iPhone, but the quality isn't that great. My shaky hands didn't help matters, either.
Yeah, I know it's blurry, but it's an iPhone camera. What do you expect?
Was I scared? Sure. Especially unnerving was the fact that it seemed no one else was witnessing this aside from myself. That and if you'll notice, there is a door or aperture of sorts at the top of the UFO, just underneath those slats of cruddy orange painting. I stepped closer and got another pic.
Note the gleam off of the ship's metallic surface.
As the ship began to land on campus, utterly in silence I might add, that very same door I mentioned previously began to open. This was when my buttcheeks clamped together. Were those insidious Greys about to emerge from the ship? Was I going to be abducted? Whatever the result, I was about to make physical contact with a (presumably) alien race. What did this mean for me? I'll tell you what. Ufology gold, just like George Adamski. Humanoid figures appeared within the light of the craft's interior, beckoning me inside. Here goes, I thought.
Much to my happy surprise, the aliens were not only most human-like, they were actually quite delightful. And each one of them was female. Why, one looked like Natalie Portman, another Scarlett Johansson, and one even had an uncanny resemblance to Asia Carrera. Their apparent leader had a visage something akin to Bea Arthur in a thong, but I was telepathically told "do not be afraid."
Yet I was. I had to ask myself, am I really qualified to be practicing exopolitics? Who am I to be matched up as a specimen of humanity? Granted, I'm smarter than the average bear, but with my innumerable other shortcomings, Earth might really be in the soup if I'm the yardstick. Yet after a few more glances at Natalie and Scarlett (that's what I called them, anyway), I knew that I had to press forward...for SCIENCE!
They brought me through the halls of the ship, leading me to a cafe with a relaxed atmosphere wherein I was treated to the finest food and drink of their planet...yet come to think of it, I'm not sure they ever mentioned where they were from. The ladies told me that they were possessed of extraordinarily long lifespans, many thousands of years in our measurement. I had so many questions for them.
"Survival is on my mind. Very much," I said.
"Yes, we are quite concerned about your planet and Global Warming," Asia told me.
"No, I meant me personally," I said.
"Well, all of your professional and marital problems will be resolved one way or another. Let's put it that way," reported Natalie.
"Are all humans as self-absorbed as you?" Scarlett asked.
"Pretty much, yeah. Hey my college is going through a fair amount of financial difficulties and austerity measures. Can you tell me where that might be headed?"
"There will be difficult times ahead for all higher education if your people do not change your ways," Scarlett said.
"So...does that mean you'll make a donation?"
"Say, think I could get you guys' digits?"
"Our what?" Natalie inquired.
"Your phone numbers."
"Oh. The request is irrelevant," Asia explained. "We reproduce via a large-scale method of asexual fission. No other member is required."
"Sigh. If I had a beer for every time a woman told me that..."
Another one of them emerged from the umber of the cafe, this one a dead-ringer for Dita Von Teese.
"It's time for the exam," she said. "Do you know what the word 'trondant' means?"
"Good. Please sign this waiver."
"Hey, is this the part where you gals take the...heh...bodily fluid samples?"
"No, but we will be implanting a small device deep in your colon via a probe about the length of one of your Earth's broom handles."
"I can live with that."
As for the procedure, well...the less said the better.
The ladies returned me to the entrance. It was my last shot to glean their knowledge.
"I really can't decide," I implored. "Should I file my Incredible Hulk comics under 'i' for 'incredible' or 'h' for 'Hulk?' "
"Well, looks like we're out of time,"Scarlett said, showing me the door.
Sadly, the conundrum would remain unresolved.
Then they departed. I managed to snap this shot of the spaceship from underneath.
Oddly enough, none of the photos I snapped of the sexy aliens appeared on my phone. Weird.
Like most contactees, my life is now changed forever (not that it would have taken much). So I'll spend my time hoping they come back, each day a pale, listless copy of the one before by comparison to the miracle night of just 24 hours previous.
I wonder if there's any Chinese food left in the freezer...
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