Tuesday, September 23, 2014

You're a jackass, Jimmy Carter

NOTE: The following is a work of satire.  My tongue is very much in my cheek.

I normally enjoy my visits to The Happening Book.

The Tumblr site is run by a man my age, looking back on fun and geeky moments of his youth.  Typically the memories are warm and fuzzy ones.  This time, The Happening Book brought out recollections that must have worked hard to block away behind adamantium doors.  Once returned, the memories burned and seared...just like a recurring case of herpes.

It was September 17th, 1978.  A just-turned-eight Jonny Nichols finished Sunday dinner and nidificated himself among the pillows on the floor in front of the TV, eagerly awaiting the two-hour premiere of a new series on ABC.  I had been on a Star Wars high since my initial viewing of the film the previous year and it showed no signs of abating.  In fact, it never did.  The previews of this new TV show seemed like it might deliver all the goods just as George Lucas did.

The program was to be called Battlestar Galactica.  It would be an epic tale of "a rag-tag fugitive fleet" of the last remaining humans, fleeing utter annihilation at the hands of their enemies, the Cylons.  The ultimate destination of the humans?  A mythical locale. "A shining planet known as...Earth."  The title referred to the lone surviving warship of their star sector, the Galactica.  It was a carrier of sorts, launching space fighters called Vipers (which bore at least a superficial resemblance to the X-Wing) to combat the Cylon's saucer-like ships.  The Cylons themselves looked pretty kickass, looking all metallic like Star Wars stormtroopers.  Only later would I learn they were robots and that just made things all the cooler.

Yes, there were more than a few commonalities with Star Wars besides the timing and George Lucas did try suing unsuccessfully.  For this geek, Galactica stands on its own.  Hell, my eight year-old self certainly ate it all up.

Until it happened.

Without warning...and a full two-thirds into the movie... ABC interrupted the Sunday night broadcast to announce that the Camp David Accords had been signed at the White House.  So what did I get to see for a full hour?  Not Richard Hatch as Apollo.  Not Dirk Benedict as Starbuck.  Not even that brat kid as Boxey.  I was treated to Egyptian President Anwar Sadat, Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin, and the smiling face of Jimmy Carter.

I was most displeased.

Granted, ABC returned to Battlestar Galactica at the point where the news broke in, but I was in second grade, dammit!  I had a bedtime!  Thankfully I also had warm and giving parents who let me stay up to finish out the show.  Either that or they just got sick of my begging and crying.  Is that any reason to forgive Jimmy Carter?

I say no.  The knob gobbler.

History will no doubt be kind to him.  The Camp David Accords were a crowning achievement in his presidency, demonstrating a triumph of diplomacy and lasting peace...and a Nobel Peace Prize for Carter.  Carter will also be remember as the "I've been saying that for a long time, people" guy.  As our climate continues to change due to our ever-increasing binges on fossil fuels, as people move away from coastal areas and try to find somewhere with an even remotely moderate climate, Jimmy Carter told us all about it back in the 1970s.  He said turn down our thermostats, put on sweaters, and unplug any electric appliances we weren't using.

Republicans will always view his administration as a pox upon American history.  There was rampant inflation, gas shortages, and this little thing called "The Iran Hostage Crisis." During that latter debacle, eight American servicemen lost their lives in Operation Eagle Claw, a horrendously flawed attempt to rescue those hostages that must have been planned by the Three Stooges (only I'm not sure any of them were still alive at that point.)

I ask you though, gentle ESE reader, do any of those missteps come anywhere near the egregious transgression that is INTERRUPTING THE PILOT EPISODE OF BATTLESTAR FUCKING GALACTICA?????

I say no.  In fact, wasn't Anwar Sadat assassinated just a few years after signing those accords in the middle of Battlestar Galactica?  Was an incensed Battlestar Galactica fan involved?  Coincidence?  I think not.

No, I had nothing to do with it.  That would've made me quite the lethal little eight year-old.

Great.  Now I'm going to have to go find my copy of the original two-hour Battlestar Galactica.  Wait, just like my Apes it's on VHS.

Carter...you bastard.

Follow me on Twitter: @Jntweets


  1. On Facebook, Dr. Rich said: "I always respected the dude as a guy with integrity. Not a fan of his economic prowess, but certainly not a douchebag by a mile and a half."

    Yet he's a monster of our time! ;)

  2. On Facebook, Frank said: "Oh good, I thought I was the only one that remembered that."

  3. On Facebook, Jason said: "He's history's greatest monster!"


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