Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Guest blogger Kip Haggis:


I've made a lot of BAD business decisions.
Like when I bought a new house without making sure I could sell my old one. 
Like when I gave money to that guy who emailed me from NIGERIA (and the president won't do anything about this?  COME ON OBAMA!)
Like when I when I dropped out of college for the fourth time, even though I'll owe THOUSANDS in student loan debt.  It's cuz they keep barking at me about this thing called a GED.  When was I supposed to get that?  No one never told me nothing!

But I can make it.  I'm a REBEL!  Do you think the Green Bay Packers would be champions right now if they played it safe?  Huh?  If they didn't take any risks?  Well last time I checked, the mass of the ass is still equal to the angle of the dangle and who is still undefeated?  DA PACKERS!  Ha!  That'll get Chicago riled up!  But ya know what?  I DON'T CARE!  Cuz I'm takin' risks!

I got this idea, see.  It's called the SURVIVO-3000.  I invented it at the BBQ Shack after I went camping with Nichols.  It's a kinda like a hot plate, only different.  The SURVIVO-3000 is a compact GRIDDLE that runs on a solar powered battery.  That's right.  SOLAR baby!  Should be easy to market to the greenies, if you know what I'm sayin'.  Anyways, the SURVIVO-3000 is meant to help you cook bacon if you're ever trapped in the wilderness.  Bingo bango!  Instant food source!  And a good one, too.  

But wait!  There's more!  (I'm totally pitching this to Billy Mays!  Wait, he what?  No shit...)

The handle of the SURVIVO-3000 squirts CHEESE onto your bacon.  That's right.  Not one, but TWO vital food groups covered!  You could live on this stuff for weeks, I'm tellin' ya.  And the cheese is all processed and jam packed with preservatives.  It'll NEVER go bad!  It'll just sit in the handle!

I took my SURVIVO-3000 straight to Nichols.  I wanted to use his house as a base of operations and distribution.  In return, he could be my assistant, quality control inspector, and tech guy.  And vice-president IF he plays his cards right.  But I got over there and you guessed it.  He turned me down flat.

He asked me how he was supposed to be assistant, IT, sales, and quality control all at once.  I said "just change your voice when someone calls for each one."  He still wasn't biting, getting all huffy and stuffy.  But I had FORESIGHT!  I brought with me my favorite book, Inane Platitudes For Any Occasion.  Just flipped open the page and bingo bango..."There is no I in 'team,' Jon."

Then he shows me this stupid web page and I tells him nobody but nobody likes a math geek.  So it was time to go nuckuler on 'im.

"You know why you're having money troubles?" I says.  "Because of Jesus."

He just stood there lookin' at me for a while.  Obviously I needed to keep talking.

"If you started working harder and at things that were FOR PROFIT instead of this writing trash, Jesus would bless you.  Wealth is a sign of hard work and blessings from Jesus.  So if you see someone who's poor, ya gotta know something: it's all their fault."

"The Bible actually says..." he starts in before I cut him off like he's Wayne Bobbit.

"The Bible says Jesus got gold and other rich-guy shit for his birthday.  That's wealth comin' to Jesus as BLESSINGS!  Wealth is the sign of a good Christian."

He still didn't get it.  I'm not surprised.
But I've still got the SURVIVO-3000...and it's gonna be a HIT!  You know who told me that?
Three guesses, first one don't count, and I'll even give you a hint: it wasn't ALF!


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