Thursday, December 20, 2012

Christmas apocalypse!

I like Christmas.

Among holidays, it's one that I do honestly enjoy, unlike say, New Year's.  Go ahead and call me "cheesy" or "conformist."  I can survive hipster scorn.

This Christmas will be a sad one in certain parts of the United States and the world for that matter.  But then again it always is.  If you are poor, Christmas can tend to make you feel even more so.  If you are lonely or depressed, Christmas will only exacerbate the problem.  Have you listened to a few of those time-honored Christmas carols?  They're not exactly uppers.  "Silent Night" has quite a mournful ache to it.  If you're interested, here's a list of the "five most miserable Christmas songs,"  although I disagree that "Do They Know It's Christmas" earns a place on that list.

Oh hell, here's The Smiths.

It's all about the presents though, right?  Just another excuse to prop up and perpetuate rampant commercialism.  Where would we be without those holiday sales?  Don't forget your electrically decorated house, so bright with lights that your local airport needs to warn incoming flights about your location.  Yes, should we call it "competitive decorating?"  Like when those stupid "icicle lights" were all the rage?

Speaking of stupid decorations, check out The 45 Worst Christmas Ornaments Ever at the Huff Post. 

I dunno, that one above has a certain charm.  You'd certainly be unique as you entertain for the holidays.

All of this presupposes that the world will not end tomorrow.  That is according to supposed "Mayan prophecy" anyway.  One interpretation of it, that is to say.  Another seems to be that the entire world will reboot like a massive computer and a "new age"  will be ushered in for mankind.  I like the idea but you'll have to pardon me as I reserve the right to be highly skeptical, just as I was of that whole Y2K craze from just 12 years ago.  Just seems like a great way to make good bank.  To see what I mean, check out that ridiculous but oddly watchable film, 2012.  It's every bit as bad as the Mayans predicted it would be.

The fact is...there will be no extraordinary solar flares to end our civilization.  There will be no magnetic reversal and certainly not that idiotic "pole shift" that was proposed in the aforementioned film.  I doubt the chances of an asteroid strike or a global pandemic in the next 24 hours are all that great, either.  Want to know why?  Check this out at NASA.

Besides, the world can't end.  I have yet to get my Christmas gifts!  That really is what Christmas is about isn't it, I ask with tongue firmly planted in cheek?  I therefore tender my Christmas list.  You have four days.  Get cracking.

-Any or all of these laser beam devices.

-This secret submarine base in Norway (it's for sale, I checked.)

-A trip on Virgin Galactic.

-One of these "flying Segways."

-An F-15. (Hey if we're allowed to own assault rifles, why not?)

-An iPad.

-A personal Duran Duran concert.

-One of these awesome WWII bomber jackets (always loved them).

-An espresso maker.

-This device that drives away teenagers.

-For R.E.M. to reunite.

-Google Glass

Looking for a gift for others?  Besides me, I mean?

What about Biojewellery?  It's even better than "going to Jared."

Or  My e-novella, Hound of Winter is available for only 99 cents

So anyway, I'm going to take a break from blogging until December 26th.  If the world ends, been nice writing for you.  If not, then I hope you have a Merry/Happy Whateveryoubelievein.

My e-novella, Hound of Winter is available for only 99 cents

Follow me on Twitter: @Jntweets

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