Sunday, October 3, 2010

A pirate's life for Kip

Har!  Avast ye, matey!  Scurvy dogs we be, travellin' 'pon this ill-fated frigate!
That's sea talk, folks.  I've finally figured something out.  All of life's questions are answered in the movies.  That's right.  The MOVIES.  I know, I know, all the college boy PINHEADS are always talking about READING, but the majority of REAL AMERICANS get their can-do know-how from the most widespread form of entertainment there is:  movies.
In my opinion, NOBODY does that kind of educating BETTER than Disney.  Pound for pound, no other entertainment house has made more succesful and more entertaining films than Disney.  They represent a better time, man.  A time when people went after their DREAMS.  A time when entertainment was bland and inoffensive.  You want to know what makes America the greatest country in the world?  One word (besides God, I mean): DISNEY.
In the past few years, man, Disney put out three movies that totally changed my life.  I'm talking about PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN, man!  It was a better time that they living in.  No technology.  No stress.  No obligations.  You lived FREE.  In REAL LIFE!  You sailed on and took what you wanted.  And when you died, you didn't do it in an office cubical or in a hospital bed.  No.  You went out FIGHTING with a SWORD IN YOUR HAND! 
It's no wonder so many of our sports teams are named after pirates.  Besides those losers in Pittsburgh, we got the Oakland Raiders and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (even though I don't like mentioning Nichols' Bucs.)  I think my White Sox are really pirates.  Wearing all black, the bad boys of MLB, and scavengers and cutthroats that live by their own rules.  HAR!  HOIST THE JOLLY ROGERS ABOVE CELLULAR FIELD!
I think I would've made a great pirate.  I'd be kinda like Homer Simpson, y'know?  Showing them how to make ribs and SMOKED BBQ while at sea.  You could have a smoker and an open flame on deck, right?   I can just imagine the smiles on their faces when they tasted my secret meat rub.  I just know they'd all want me to rub my meat.  AWESOME!  Plus, I could probably put my degree to use and show them how to make good business decisions with all of their booty.  Y'know, investments.  They had the Dow Jones back then, right?  So why not? 
I think God wants us to be pirates.  He wants us to go out there and TAKE what we want.  After all, He's provided everything for us.  Why shouldn't we take it?  Life is a banquet and some poor suckers are starving to death.  Get out there and LIVE!  LIVE!
And that's what the pirates did, man.  THEY LIVED!!  They were like a non-stop bachelor party on the high seas.  Real salt-of-the-earth guys, I mean aside from all that raping and murdering.  Plus, they knew how to eat!
Sadly, the cannons no longer roar...and I be sailin' into the party far too late.  I know reincarnation is against the Bible and something only the moron third world peoples believe in.  But I hope God sends me to MY heaven: sailing the high seas in search of loot to plunder!  HAR!  Oh, and maybe have a parrot on my shoulder, too.

'Til next time, peace, love, and smoked BBQ.

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