Friday, March 4, 2011

I want to know what the hell is going on, Jillian Michaels


Jillian, this is just a joke.  Really.  Please don't kick my ass.

I am trying shed pounds.  It's a decidedly non-geek thing to do, but the ten pounds I've gained over the past few years has become uncomfortable to carry seeing as how it is all located directly upon my equator.  So I'm going about my diet and exercise plan with a bit of a geeky spin.  That's right.  I'm using the Wii.

Fern recommended that I play Jillian Michaels' Fitness Ultimatum.  I was apprehensive.  I've been in the room a few times when The Biggest Loser has been on and Michaels is no cupcake.  The way she shouts at her charges would probably reduce me to a quivering mass of sci-fi geek unmanliness in record time.  I mean, shorter than it would usually take.  Needing to lose those pounds, I gave the software a try.  And that's when things got interesting.
The game is set on an unnamed island in the South Pacific.  As you run laps around the island's perimeter with Jillian, you begin to notice things.
For one, there is a guard tower.  Two communication masts extend from its roof.  Why does Jillian need a guard tower?  Who is she trying to keep out?  Or should I be asking, who is she trying to keep in?

"Am I wasting my time with you?" she screams.  I pick up the pace to follow.  As we cross over a quaint wooden bridge, I notice a rubber raft with an outboard motor on the shore past the palms.  As far as I know, there is no rowing component to the Jillian Michaels workout.  So where is Jillian going in that raft?  It's nowhere near seaworthy enough to cross the vast Pacific to the next nearest land mass.  The only way it makes sense for it to be here is if...there was a larger boat or ship near the island.  And if there was a ship, where are those who came ashore?  I see no one here but myself and Jillian.
"Come on!" she barks.  I run after her.
The raft isn't the only thing on the shore.  In time, I see this:


That's a downed aircraft behind Jillian.  The markings make it look like a Japanese Zero, but with it half buried in sand it's tough to be sure.  True, there is an obviously large amount of flotsam and wreckage left in that part of the world from WWII.  I still wonder.  What exactly brought that plane down?  Could Jillian have...

"That is terrible!  You're not giving me everything!" she reprimands.
I get back into the workout, hoping she won't hit me.  We move on to another coastal section of the island.  Something rust colored juts up out of the shallow waves.  It's an LST, a landing boat for marine troops.  Looks like it has been there for a while.  But in the CGI, it's hard to discern.  Maybe that's not rust on the tilted landing craft.  Maybe it's charred from something like...rocket fire?  From the guard tower?  With the mysterious raft and now the LST, did someone attempt a rescue mission to Jillian's island and...

"Am I wasting my time with you?" she asks yet again.  My buttocks clench together and once more into the fray I go.  
She moves us over to sandy locale that's punctuated by palm trees.  Here it is:






Those are military-issue tents, quite reminiscent of R. Lee Ermey's Real War game.  Exactly who is camped out here?  In another shot from this location in the game (I've been thus far unable to find a screenshot) there's a military jeep parked to the side of one of those tents.  Who else is Jillian training on this island?

"You're slacking off!" she says with all the cuddliness of an S.S. she-wolf.  I get back to doing push-ups.  All I can smell is my own sweat.  All I can think about is what this island might really be.  Consider this:


The name of her game is Jillian Michaels' Fitness UltimatumUltimatum....
Ultimatum is the name of a terrorist organization in the Marvel Comics universe.  It's run by none other than the Red Skull, a character with overt Nazi ties.  Given her gruff, grim, and determined demeanor, plus her near sadistic training style, is Herr Jillian training soldiers for Ultimatum?

Obviously I'm an aficionado of science fiction.  
Generally, islands are not good things in this genre.  Just read Verne's Mysterious Island or Wells' The Island of Doctor Moreau.  What is Jillian hiding on this island?  Are there genetic experiments going on?  What happens to those fitness wannabes like me who pass out from her gulag-like training regimen?  Are we raw material for more of her hideous experiments?
Only time will tell.
Look, I need to get offline before she finds me.  I'll keep blogging reports whenever I can.  Something's rotten in the South Pacific and it ain't the poi.  But Jillian Michaels knows all about her secret little ocean Area 51, don't you Jillian?
Aw nuts.  Look what's coming out of the brush:

 

Yep.  I'm screwed.  This just shows to go you, all you diet and fitness freaks.  Eat right.  Run miles and miles.  Die anyway...at the hands of genetically modified Sleestaks.


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