Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Let's just put Kim in charge




Yeah, Lee Speigel says things are improving.

In his coverage of the recent 23rd annual International UFO Congress in Scottsdale, Arizona, he remarked that the tone of the event was a bit more serious this time around.  "While there still exists a 'purchase-an-ET-trinket' mentality fostered by an ever-present vendor's room, the overall credibility climate has evolved." Yes, now there are former NASA scientists and seasoned researchers presenting cases that alien contact has already occurred.  Serious, serious, serious, blah blah blah.

But I ask you, ladies and gentlemen...do we not stand on a slippery slope?  If we eschew the alien costume contests and narrow the marketplace for "genuine alien artifacts," what have we lost?  Where will people turn for knowledge without statuettes of every member of the alleged alien bestiary?  Hell, the public at-large just might no longer subscribe to the sacred equation of "UFO=aliens."

And the crystals!  Dear God, somebody think about the crystals!  Why, selling crystals for "channeling"...or whatever the hell it is that they do...goes head-in-tinfoil with UFO phenomena.  Oh and if only that "dead Bigfoot" tour had actually shown up at the conference.

What will we lose next then in our pursuit of "seriousness?"  Will newscasters stop snickering as they report UFO sightings while the theme to The X-Files plays in the background?  I'll admit the theme music is not as elegant as the royalty-free theremin stock that used to get played prior to 1994 but I'll take what I can get these days.

That affront is not nearly the half of my consternation.  If things keep heading in this "serious" (scoff scoff) direction, I'll likely have to stop answering a few of my more treasured UFO queries from people.  I'm talking about delectable treasures such as:

1. Why do UFOs only abduct rednecks?
2. Why isn't there a fence you can park by and look through at Area 51?
3. Why don't UFOs just land on the White House lawn?
4. Why don't UFOs cause delays at airports?
5. Have you ever tried the butt probe? (For the last time, the answer to that one is "yes and it was just once for fun in college.")

So here is my "modest proposal."

Let's put Kim Kardashian in charge of UFO investigations.

Kim Kardashian can bring us just the kind of star power (pardon the pun) and garish exposure that our particular field of research so sorely needs.  Yeah, yeah, I know.  Katy Perry might be the obvious choice with her song, "E.T."  Well, a lesser mind might think that but I'm putting the kibosh on her for a few reasons.

First of all, Kim is a woman of obvious brains and wit.  Second of all, Kanye West was also featured on that "E.T." song, so I say why not bring the whole "Kimye" in on this and not just the half?  Plus, it ain't like Kim is hard to look at.  Gimme a double "hell yeah!"

Oh hell with it.  Let's geek the whole thing up and bring ALL the Kardashians in on it.  Kim, Khourtney, Kanye, whatever the other sister is named, and Bruce Jenner if he's still in the picture.  Oh yeah and the mom.  Lest I forget.  Really, aren't these the ambassadors you want standing at the UFO landing pad in Colorado (pending those sages actually convince their narrow-minded populace to approve its construction)...waiting for the door to the first craft to open and alien life to emerge?  Aren't they the first humans you want representing the race?  The TV ratings are a lock.

So gimme a call, Kim.  We can hook this up.  Get you a nice crop circle pendant necklace, too.

Yeah, girl.  You know it.




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